No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here
Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Hey, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting
If I ever start to think straight
This heart will start a riot in me
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa






i need a break.
i'm getting a break.

one of my huuuuuuuge pet peeves has always been people acting different around me than in front of their friends.



i cant understand you.
i really wish you would treat me like i mean nothing to you,
that way i wouldn't have any problem figuring out how you felt.
and the fact that when we're alone i love the person you are but when we're with your buddies you're someone i'm learning to despise bothers me so much.
i'm losing faith that one day i thought you might come around, that doesn't look possible anymore.
all i see happening is me moving away and choosing to never talk to you again.


on a brighter note last night was great. :)
i love girls nights and last night was just perfect.

confusion is going crazy everywhere in my head.
i cant even begin to describe it.

I love my friends,
I love my family,
I love my papaw.

I wouldn't have made it through this past weekend without all three. My friends have been so encouraging and sweet. Checking on me and always offering to talk. My family has held each other up more than anything, our bond has grown closer and we all felt so special and so priviledged to have had such an amazing man as our Father, grandfather, uncle, and great-grandfather. And even though he's not here anymore Papaw has created a new look on life for me. To strive to be half as perfect as a man as he was. He lived a legend, and changed so many lives.

I've said it so much today so why not again, the things everyone said to me at his funeral are things everyone wants to be said about them at their funeral. I know for sure Papaw wasn't the man he was so people would talk so great about him after he was gone, that really was him. Even though the big celebration of his life has ended for now I'll never be able to forget him and his many jokes or the sweet sweet comments he gave to everyone he came in contact with.

I'll love him forever, and until we meet again he's the healthiest and happiest he's ever been. I can't help but not be so excited for him.




All my love to my Papaw.
<3

papaw's in heaven.
i feel relieved.
not sad, i mean sometimes i do feel sad but then i realize how foolish that is when he's the happiest he's ever been and ever will be.
i love him so much,
i always will.
ill always be so so grateful to have had such an amazing man as my grandfather.


i'll really miss hearing, "katie don't eat up the profit." and all of his little jokes.

rest in peace papaw, i know you and grandmother are having the times of your lives reuniting together, and im so jealous you're already with Jesus.

death has to be the hardest thing to watch in this world. atleast for the people watching it. i cant decide if coming upon it is worse or after its already happened letting it sink in.

papaw is still breathing, but it seems like thats all. even though he doesnt react to anyone or respond theres still hope in his tiny and weak breaths. leaving tonight didnt feel right, i dont want the next time i see him to be someone different and just the shell, not the man i looooooove so much. i know well make it through this, we ll never get more than we can handle but the pain that we all felt in papaw's room tonight was one im fine with never feeling again.

who knows what tomorrow has in store. for once im scared to know, but if he goes on he'll be healthy he'll be happy. he ll be with my grandmother and in the most perfect place ever.

here it goes......

Finally, I feel happy.
I can't even explain it either.
I've been happy all along, but only at home; not here.
Maybe it's reuniting with everyone, or finally actually staying out late to hang out with people, or the fact that i finally feel like I have some really close friends here. I love this feeling and now I'm wondering if I'll really want to transfer in August.

Brett wrote this and I love it so much.
I saw Papaw reach today and cried really hard.
Not in sadness this time, I know he's seeing the most amazing things.
I'm so jealous.


My mom's dad (or papaw) to us, has been in the nursing home for a little over two years. He moved to McKendree a few months after his wife (grandmother) passed away and this week has been up and down as we wait with baited breath for what seems to be near the end to his long life.

Sunday morning 7:45 a.m.
Mom wakes me, telling me that one of the nurses from McKendree called and that Papaw isn't doing too good. This could be the end. Everyone is going to see him for what may be the last time.

Only hours later, we had gone through a tough morning filled with expectations and surprising results. By lunch Papaw had stirred and seemed to be slowly moving in a better direction.

Today around noon, I went with my mom and sisters to the nursing home to visit Papaw again. He recognized us and seemed to be more alert than Sunday. He seems to linger in and out of consciousness as we eat lunch in his room.

As we eat and talk about random things neither here no there, we all go silent as we see him move his arms. He begins reaching both arms in the sky, as if stretching out to take hold of something. Some may write this off as a delusion, common to those in his condition. I don't think so. Looking in his wrinkled and tired face, there was no blank expression. No fear. No sign of negativity.

There was interest.

There was wonder.

There was a look of recognition of an old friend.

A look that could signify seeing his wife's face for the first time in over two years. Or seeing his mother who passed when he was younger than I am now. Or better yet, and most probably, the look of reaching out to his Maker. Trying to take hold of the hand of the King. Knowing that his God was/is/will be faithful and will take him home soon.

What a picture of beauty.
A faithful servant of God reaching up, waiting for Jesus to take him in his arms and carry him home.

Papaw is still with us. But we don't know for how long. We will all be sad to see him go, but we will rejoice knowing that with a strong renewed body and sound mind he will be kneeling at the throne of God. Rejoicing and receiving his crown.





thanks for reading.

The hospice nurse told my mom she saw something similar in all of her patients, they were reaching for things. She believes hes seeing familiar faces waiting for him, and maybe even God. This tells me his time is coming soon. I know he'll be so happy, so free, so reunited with my grandmother, and the one he adores, his Lord.

Today was a shock and the most dreaded day I've had in a while.
I guess I shouldn't have been so sure everything was going to be okay with Papaw when I left him last night.
Megan had said he was running a fever last night and that's never good with a man in a his early nineties.
But, I really wasn't ready to be woken up to "Kaitlin we're going to see Papaw," with my sister barely able to get it out.
It was almost out of a movie since I kept saying why Megan, what's wrong and she still wouldn't answer.
I didn't honestly need an answer, I knew he hadn't been doing so well.
But, seeing him barely having another breath left in his lungs and non-responsive at all was so hard to watch.
I thought I would for the first time in my life watch a close family member breathe their last breath with me holding his hand, but no. He's a fighter and barely hanging on.
Maybe all the emotion of today was to help prepare us for the near future.
No matter what comes out of the upcoming week, one thing is for sure:
Papaw knows how high I think of him.
He knows how much I love him.
If he'll be at rest, as hard as it is for everyone, He needs it.
And we'll make it.